Vision – Step-families Leading the Way

Jeff is inspired by the reputation/image of step-families totally transforming as these families become seen as a force for good in the world (e.g., by taking a lead in volunteerism)

Is the project primarily delivered virtually, or in-person?

<From the notes from our first large group call>

Can technology really work here?  Jeff has been amazed by the power of virtual groups and the cohesion that is quickly created.  Blog technology is great way to tell stories, interact with each other, help to strengthen others.  Would be great to make as simple and low infrastructure as possible so opportunities could be available/replicated anywhere in country – create something contagious and relatively easy to maintain. A counselor could jump in at key junctures. School programs (face-to-face) already in existence could also be helpful.

What if one parent is amenable and the other is not?

<From the notes from our first large group call>

Do we need to target families that are “evolved” to a certain extent?  In Jeff’s experience, all you need is one willing adult and remarkable things can be created from there.

What is the right first intervention?

<From our first large group call>

Is it a shared volunteer experience? Or simply an opportunity for adults of expanded families to clearly define roles and begin to communicate more effectively? Volunteering may be a later-stage intervention.  On the other hand, volunteering offers an opportunity to be in the same room in a non-tense environment (compared to school meetings or other ways divorced parents are usually required to come together). It is a way for everyone to be together that strengthens everyone.  Children can benefit enormously when seeing adults interact favorably.

Vision – Family Being Continuous

<from Chris, based on discussion we had about the project reflecting an image of a rope in a circle, not a straight line like tug of war with the child(ren) in the middle)

When I think of the circle versus the rope, I think of a family being continuous not fragmented…
The idea of a continuous family is one where a child can

• talk about what happened with her step-sister to biological mother
• introduce her mother’s co-worker to her dad and step-mom.
• have safe relationships across families and know it is OK to like/love her step-parents/siblings without hurting the “real family”
• A place where her life exists across and within these families in a way that is fluid not blocked by walls of hurt and hatred.

This what I want for Caroline , Emma and Sam.

www.stepcarefully.com

<from Chris>

http://www.stepcarefully.com
This seems to be more focused on the step parent instead of the idea of relationships of step-parents, parents and children….. I want to make sure that our message makes it clear that our focus is on the entire family unit.

Project Purpose and Objectives

<from Jeff>

These are some initial, spontaneous, and completely unfiltered or edited thoughts about what might be the mission and goals of OPERATION HAPPY STEP-FAMILY.  I am sharing these thoughts as my initial contribution to a group brainstorming effort, understanding that others may have completely different, totally divergent, and/or more reasonable ideas about how to approach this task.  I look forward to the opportunity to our group conversation.

I think our purpose should be to provide a virtual (i.e., telephone, e-mail, blog, e-mail newsletter) and face-to-face forum and resources devoted to helping the members of step-families make a positive transition from their prior lives to their new roles as members of step-families.  We understand that members of step-families actually have dual roles which need to be maintained and that it may be difficult to do this in happy, gratifying, and productive ways.  While they are members of a “new” family structure, they are also members of their original families, regardless of the fact that they are either divorced parents or children of divorced parents. 

In working with divorcing couples to get them through their divorce in the best interests of their children and in their own best interests, we ask them to understand that their original family is being reconstituted, not destroyed – it is changing form, but its members will continue to maintain their relationships in some form, so we want to help them determine how they are going to relate in ways that are positive, encourage civility and openness, support the personal development of each member. 

Therefore, in working with step-families, we want to help them build a new family unit comprised of people who are already members of another family, reconstituted.  These demands to maintain effective dual roles are very difficult to meet, especially for children, who naturally feel divided loyalties.  That is, they do not want to make either of their biological parents feel as though they are sharing their love and affection with a new step-parent, believing that this is disloyal and hurtful to their biological parent(s).  On the other hand, they are being encouraged by their newly remarried biological parent (and their step-parent him- or herself) to develop positive, loving relationships with their new step-parents.

Often, children actually do develop positive, loving relationships with step-parents but may believe they have to hide evidence of this reality from their biological parent(s).  Reports from children going back and forth between homes often reveal highly conflicted feelings, may reveal actual deliberate changes in demeanor and behavior toward step-parents and/or biological parents at the time of the exchange (e.g., pulling away from any physical contact with one or other of the parent figures as they approach the home of the other parent figure, becoming silent and non-verbal when minutes earlier they had been open, spontaneous, and talkative). 

Parents and step-parents often reveal their concerns about their children’s behavior in this regard but are often unable or at least unclear as to how to help their children deal with these transitions. They are often unaware of behaviors they may be exhibiting which unwittingly support their children’s continuation of their experience of internal conflicts.  This often creates and maintains continuing conflicts between biological parents in regard to their children and between newly married couples with step-children. 

The reality, then,  is that efforts to help step-families become safe, encouraging, supportive, positive, and nurturing environments for children cannot be divorced from efforts to help biological parents and their children maintain their commitments to each other.  This requires careful work and considerable attention to balance, nuances of communication, development of effective ways to manage dual roles and loyalties without generating or maintaining internal psychological conflict.  Management of dual roles is so difficult that mental health professionals, for example, are ethically bound not to engage in them (e.g., a therapist should not see a client in individual psychotherapy with whom he engages in some business transaction outside the therapeutic relationship).  Asking divorced parents and children in step-families to effectively and productively manage their dual roles without any guidelines is a tall order.

The mission statement for Operation Happy Step-Family might say something which summarizes our commitment(s) to:

1.     Develop awareness of the difficulties inherent in the efforts of divorced couples and their children to transition to step-family arrangements in which a positive step-family environment is created and maintained while also maintaining the essential relationships between members of the original intact biological family.

2.    Help divorced couples and their children make this transition with minimal disruption.

3.    Help divorced couples and their children adjust to new, step-family configurations with minimal conflict and maximum cooperation.

4.    Help newly constituted step-families create and maintain comfortable, enriching, nurturing, supportive, coherent, and strong family environments in which members feel safe, validated, and able to express thoughts and feelings freely, without fear of criticism or accusations of undermining either their biological or step-family relationships.

5.    Provide step-families with opportunities to develop stronger, more positive family structures by promoting their participation in community volunteering activities which focus their attention on the unmet needs of others and thereby  strengthen their sense of connectedness to a world which seems to be increasingly disconnected.

The Case for National Service

<from Vickie>

Here’s the article Jeff referenced this evening (I think). http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/article/0,28804,1657256_1657317,00.html

A Documentary?!

<From Chris to Andrea via email>

On another note:  I have friend of a friend who writes books for adolescent children.  She is contracted to write on topics like sexually transmitted diseases, diversity etc…  I was thinking as we frame the charter and other ideas that maybe this would be a neat documentary.  If it is ok with you I was going to forward her what you have put together so far and see if she’s at all; interested in some way.

Piloting Strategies

<From Chris to Andrea via email>

I have been thinking a lot about “pilots” and how often a pilot is the best way to figure something out. Maybe we can have a few families just try out the idea. We would “interview” them at the start of the project to frame “what would work for them”.

- can they start with the volunteer activity or do they need other stepping stones

- do they need to make it about “doing right by the children” – or can/should we introduce the idea that this is as much for them as the kids?

- What happens when families work together – how did people feel during the effort?

- What types of volunteer activities help UNITE not divide?

- How do you make all people feel safe?

Maybe by trying it a few times with “disclaimers” we’d learn what worked for families. I think this is particularly important given that the people that get involved will be a various stages of the healing process.

I am willing to try to reach out to Christi-lynn and Greg to see if they would try it. I think Ken is also willing to reach out to Jamie and Scott. Two VERY different situations – and yet similar. We’ve already talked to the kids about it and they think it is a great idea.