10/9/07 Meeting Notes

Many thanks to those who joined the call last night, and to those who were with us in spirit.  All I can say is, wow!  We are off to a great start.  I am so appreciative of who you all are, and the difference you are committed to making.

See below for notes, including next steps.  If you’d like to be on the smaller team that’s convening next, please let me know ASAP and we’ll get you in the scheduling loop!

ACCESSING THE RECORDED CALL ——————————————

The replay line is 218-936-1055, PASSCODE 77869#

Attendees: Andrea Howe, Charlie Green, Melissa Pippine, Vickie Turley, Valerie Murphy, Dr. Jeff Schlichter, Gail Guseman, Hang Pham-Swami, Ruth Fields, Randy Guseman, Chris Hajzak

Unable to Attend: Alison Welch, Lisa Witt, Dennis Mondoro, Alona Fayer, Cary Paul, Jonathan Spector, Rod Rogers, Mary Morrison

NEXT STEPS ———————————————————————

-       Convene a smaller group to further define the project: create a project mission statement, define the candidate list of interventions, etc.  Participants so far include Vickie, Gail, Jeff, Melissa, Chris, Valerie, and Andrea.

-       Re-convene the larger group to review, discuss, move forward!

HOW WE’RE ALREADY IN ACTION ——————————————-

-       Charlie has volunteered to create a blog for us to post/exchange ideas and generally create community around this project.

-       Vickie has volunteered to support us administratively.  I’ve asked her to manage the scheduling of the next two meetings

Many thanks to you both!

THE CASE FOR NATIONAL SERVICE ——————————————-

Here’s a link to the article Jeff referenced (thanks, Vickie!) http://www.time.com/time/specials/2007/article/0,28804,1657256_1657317,00.html

NOTES FROM THE CALL ——————————————————–

Inspiration to Join the Call (a few shares):

-       “I have kids, step-kids, and have watched other spouses in relationships – and all kinds of dysfunction result. There’s a lot of psychic good to be gained from a project like this.”

-       “I am married with 4 children, and became a “stepchild” as an adult. This is an inspiration of Andrea’s that I can see a role for myself in.”

-       “I married my husband 16 years ago – we each had two children.  “Expanded” families – and all the complexities associated with them – are becoming a reality more and more.  *Anything* we can do to help is important.”

Key Questions (and some answers):

-       What is the right first intervention?  Is it a shared volunteer experience? Or simply an opportunity for adults of expanded families to clearly define roles and begin to communicate more effectively? Volunteering may be a later-stage intervention.  On the other hand, volunteering offers an opportunity to be in the same room in a non-tense environment (compared to school meetings or other ways divorced parents are usually required to come together). It is a way for everyone to be together that strengthens everyone.  Children can benefit enormously when seeing adults interact favorably.

-       Is the focus on working with the adults, the kids, or both? (Answer tied to decision about right first intervention.)

-       What if one parent is amenable and the other is not?  Do we need to target families that are “evolved” to a certain extent?  In Jeff’s experience, all you need is one willing adult and remarkable things can be created from there.

-       What makes it easier for adults to accept the reality of others step-parenting their children? Being OK with yourself, and shifting your context (e.g., seeing my ex-husbands new wife as my daughter’s ‘aunt’ rather than her step-mother).

-       Is the project primarily delivered virtually, or in-person?  Can technology really work here?  Jeff has been amazed by the power of virtual groups and the cohesion that is quickly created.  Blog technology is great way to tell stories, interact with each other, help to strengthen others.  Would be great to make as simple and low infrastructure as possible so opportunities could be available/replicated anywhere in country – create something contagious and relatively easy to maintain. A counselor could jump in at key junctures. School programs (face-to-face) already in existence could also be helpful.

Project Leadership:

-       Chris is interested in playing a leadership role and must deal realistically with time constraints

-       Ruth and Vickie can think of others who would love to be involved, but don’t want to speak for them

-       For most, it will be easier to decide whether or not a leadership role is a good fit when the project is more clearly defined.

10/30/07 Meeting Notes

***** Apologies for the delay in getting this out to everyone! *****

Many thanks to Gail, Chris, and Jeff for creating the Tuesday small group call with me to get some definition around this project.  It was a GREAT call – I’m just delighted with all we accomplished in a little over an hour.  We ended the call feeling inspired and excited — despite the late hour on a school night!

See below for notes, including next steps. 

REMINDER: Our next large group call is TONIGHT at 8pm EST.  You should have received an invitation via Outlook with the particulars.  (218) 486-1105 , passcode 77869#.

I’ll also be posting the notes below in various places on the blog – if please use that space to record your comments – ESPECIALLY if you won’t be able to join us.  Your input is important and valuable!

Lots of love to all,

Andrea

ACCESSING THE RECORDED CALL ——————————————

The replay line is 218-936-1055, PASSCODE 77869#

It will be available until our call time tonight.

Attendees: Andrea Howe, Dr. Jeff Schlichter, Gail Guseman, Chris Hajzak

IMMEDIATE NEXT STEPS ———————————————————————

-       Post comments on the blog to finalize the purpose statement, etc.

- Join us via teleconference tonight!

ACCESSING THE BLOG ——————————————-

Thanks again to Charlie and Vickie for getting this going.  The blog, called Love Restored, is at http://happystepfamily.wordpress.com/wp-login.php?action=auth&redirect_to=%2Fwp-admin%2Findex.php.  Login: happystepfamily

Password: loverestored

It’s easy to use! If you click on Posts from the Dashboard view, you’ll see a listing of everything, sorted by category.

NOTES FROM THE CALL ——————————————————–

Vision

This wasn’t an official agenda item, but we came up with some powerful stuff throughout the call.

-          Chris shared a visual she has of a rope that shifts from a straight line with the child(ren) in the middle to a circle that represents a family unit with the child(ren) safe in the center. RANDY, I think it might be logo time! J

-          Jeff is inspired by the reputation/image of step-families totally transforming as these families become seen as a force for good in the world (e.g., by taking a lead in volunteerism)

Purpose Statement

We came up with a great draft purpose statement (see below).  Please share your suggested edits in the form of comments to the blog posting.

Project Purpose: To create a space for fostering the healing transition of step families to enriching family units in which each member feels whole and safe in their new roles.

Rationale behind word choice:

-          healing – acknowledges that the dissolution of a family is traumatic, no matter how well it’s done

-          transition – acknowledge the inevitable

-          step families – it’s a known term; note that we also agreed project should focus on “official” step-families, where a substantial commitment has been made thru marriage to keep the new family structure

-          enriching – implies growth

-          family units – shift context from losing a family to reconstituting a relationship, creating a new “whole”

-          whole – <can’t remember!>

-          safe – <can’t remember!>

-          new roles – this is key to successfully navigating the transition and a way we can be most helpful

Interventions

Possible interventions/resources for families include:

-          A family volunteer experience (discussed previously)

-          An interactive web page (with blog)

-          Face-to-face group meetings

-          Virtual coaching calls

We unanimously agreed that the virtual coaching calls (supported by a web page as soon as possible!) is the right place to start because:

-          Impact – These types of groups have been highly successful in the past; gives people who don’t usually get together to talk about this topic a way to join up.

-          Ease – Easy to access and implement.  Free conference lines readily available. Gives people anywhere in the country/world who has a phone access to this support.  Anyone can facilitate with a little prep (no need for trained therapist to do this).

-          Freedom for Participants – The relative anonymity of the intervention means members won’t be burdened by worry about what others will think/tell about them.

-          Differentiation – it’s what’s missing from other types of support available for step-families.

Virtual Coaching Calls – Design Elements

-          10 – 15 adults per group (no children) – size is large enough to be diverse, small enough for all to “get in the game”

-          Parents and step-parents participate on same call so each can hear the other’s perspective

-          Cohort group (i.e. membership is ‘closed’ for a particular call series)

-          Start with a basic “5-pack” – where a group commits to participating in 5 calls.  If a call is missed, they will have access to a recording of the call (these recordings could be saved as archives and available long-term). 

-          Ask members to listen to a pre-recorded “orientation” so they understand what the calls are all about, and come with an empowering context

-          Calls occur weekly; 45 minutes per call (feels more do-able than an hour and is likely to leave people wanting more, which is a good thing!)

-          Each call is framed by a specific topic, such as “Your New Role,” “The Loyalty Tug,” “Angst Among Moms (biological and step),” “How to Listen and Talk to Each Other” (may start with the listening/talking topic – sets the stage for the call series and applies to all situations/topics)

-          Call #5 focuses on where to go from here and could include meeting as a group face-to-face (for those in same geographic area), family volunteering.

Project Strategies (Misc.)

-          Pilot two coaching groups in parallel – an evening time slot and a “lunch bunch” time slot

-          Get our virtual groups up and running first and then look for organizations to partner with that can provide other resources

-          Have a “foundational” call series (the initial 5-pack) and consider follow-up call series’ on special topics (to dive deeper into specific issues, and possibly also a series for parents only/step-parents only rather than mixed)

Resources

-          Dinosaur Divorce (a good book for children)

-          Strengthening Your Step-Family (a book for adults) by Einstein and Albert (not a typo), referenced in a recent issue of Divorce magazine (how fascinating there is such a magazine)

-          www.stepcarefully.com — a site Chris found thru Google